If two people are not growing together then they may unknowingly be growing apart.
So that's the principle.
That's the idea there.
Why is it that we're Bell with an section like this into a life coaching certificate course.
Well if you can hopefully cast your mind back to video one sanctioned one the quality of our lives.
It's nine times out of ten often determined by the quality of the relationships that we keep.
All right.
What do you think it is that actually drives a man to spend seven days or seven seven days a week working
hard from first thing in the morning right through to evening sacrificing the time he could spend with
his wife his children things like that says just because he's a bad man.
Is it because he's a thoughtless man or is it because he doesn't know how to bowl with the kind of strong
robust healthy intimate meaningful relationships with his family members that he wants to know most
talking guys here I'm talking about us as human beings building robust relationships.
I mean I'm guessing that if we all were experts at this in the world then there wouldn't be any issues
or problems in the world.
Full stop wouldn't be any need for wars.
Why.
Because we'd all be unconditionally accepting each other seeking to understand each other.
There wouldn't be any conflicts any debates any arguments anything like this.
But the truth of the matter is that there are the world's so often seems like it's kind of fallen apart
because people cannot or will not fight to see eye to eye.
So again the other principle that at all times in our every single relationship we are going to be fighting
to remain connected with a person or we're going to be choosing to disconnect with a person here's the
thing most people would say that they generally do genuinely do want better degrees of connection in
their life.
But most people don't know how to get this.
So in this video I want to share with you how we want to look at the seven pillars of strong and robust
healthy relationships.
This is an idea is a framework that you can build not just into your into your personal life your intimate
relationships your social relationships you can build it into your professional ones as well.
All right.
So I'm gonna give you a little bit of context and how we do this.
Think about the ancient Greeks or the Romans when they were building their empires.
What would happen that would build some strong robust foundations first and foremost and we'd build
pillars and all sorts of glorious monuments that could hold ever so much weight.
I can remember when was it two thousand and eleven went across to Haiti after the massive earthquake
had killed around about quarter of a million people and before at learned football when it was over
there was the infrastructure of the nation.
Was was was was not strong.
Many of the foundations that had been laid the buildings had been constructed upon.
Had been done so not cost effectively this you know there's something obscene that one is being cost
effective and there's another person that would say that one is just being cheap.
All right and what I'm saying is the infrastructure that has been laid and the nation of Haiti was not
strong enough to sustain and upholds a number of the buildings that are been constructed.
And there was one building in particular.
I think it was a school and this school was I think was a 3 or 4 level building.
And these these massively dense concrete slabs had been had been lifted up and erected and placed upon
upon walls that were just just strong enough to hold them up and prop them up.
But the problem was when the earthquake came and the the foundations of the building just crumbled and
fell apart the walls came down and then the big slabs of concrete kind of had that pancake effect and
I remember one instance where I think was a couple of thousand children and young people had been literally
just killed just like that because the foundations were not in place right.
I'm talking metaphorically in the section here I'm talking about principles I'm talking about building
some strong foundations it's only when we have strong foundations in our life that we can build up in
a sustainable way.
And when it comes to our relationships the quality of our life is going to be determined by the quality
and the caliber of the relationships that we keep.
What is it then that must be the foundations of every relationship that we going to build be this intimate
relationships be this personal social professional unconditional acceptance.
Let me cast your mind back to Karl Rogers principle that a shared back at the star of the last section.
Remember the core conditions that must be in place for our healthy help in relationship to sustain its
congruence and unconditional positive regard.
Otherwise referred to as conditional acceptance.
Think about how it is that you tend to instinctively respond towards another person who has just assumed
the worst off you when a person has judged you or is in the process of judging you or undermining you
or belittling you which again is just judgment this judgment Trump that many of us fall into sometimes
when we see ourselves as being better than some people or we sometimes see ourselves as being not as
good as some people who sometimes look up to people.
Sometimes we look down on people.
Well either way is just a form of judgment judgment pretty much operates at the opposite end of the
spectrum from unconditional acceptance.
Don't get me wrong.
All right.
There is some things that on unconditional acceptance are and is innocent.
Some things that unconditional acceptance definitely isn't.
So I've worked with people over the years and I have some some people that I mean our level of relationship
with who will speak to me completely dishonorably sometimes who will be assumptions they will act and
behave in ways that just aren't okay with me.
All right.
And whilst I don't address or I wouldn't acknowledge Maura or I don't approve of the attitudes the actions
and the behaviors all right.
This never stops me from unconditionally accepting the person.
What I'm saying is is that I understand the foundations that must be in place for any relationship to
sustain.
It is crucial as life coaches that we learn how to separate people's actions and attitudes and habits
from their behaviors of society from from from who they actually are.
And this kind of ties back to the presupposition that is shared right back in Section 1.
Remember that beautiful latitude and looking at people as if they actually do not have any bad intentions.
Well the only time that we ever assume people have bad intentions is when we're judging their attitudes
their habits and their actions or behaviors.
Therefore we acknowledge that all people are just simply flawed and imperfect.
And if we also acknowledge the beautiful truth that all people are just simply doing the best of what
they have that it allows us to extend it to extend this unconditional acceptance and be a little bit
more compassionate and offer people this level of grace so that we can get the foundations of trust
in place and ultimately begin to better understand them moving forward.
All right.
So think about what must be in place for you in order for you to start opening yourself up and sharing
yourself with another person.
Are you the kind of person who just wears his heart heart on her sleeve and every single person that
comes into your life you just share them absolutely everything about you and all your awards and all
your this and all your that.
Well if that's the kind of person that you are then my friend might want to talk about some some boundaries
here you know boundaries and many people see as being as being not good things right.
I see boundaries as being they've been fantastic things we can build into our lifes boundaries for me
isn't about keeping people out boundaries for me is actually about keeping myself in understanding that's
not all people are going to be mature enough to handle the truth of who I actually am.
Many people would rather just work and operate with the judgments and assumptions that they make of
me.
All right.
What's true for me.
My friend will also be true of you.
So boundaries is about holding myself back sometimes and not sharing of myself to a degree that I just
do need to perhaps another person isn't ready to experience.
All right.
So I actually do this out of love for people because I actually love people genuinely do love people
hence reason I create courses like this.
All right.
You're never gonna find me nor teach in how to make money or teach and how to make a name for yourself
or how to grow.
And Facebook followers or anything like this.
Why.
Because for me my whole life is about making a positive difference in the imperfect way that I do because
I fundamentally love people.
No.
This is where much of the personal development industry kind of fails and many many coaches talk about
self-love and a lot of people go in this quest in life to love themselves.
I want to love myself I want to feel better about myself I want to make peace with myself and all this
kind of stuff and guess what the center of attention is.
Guess what the primary goal is.
Guess what the focuses.
That's right itself.
Well where the focus goes the energy flows and at any given moment in time we will be either focusing
on ourselves or we'll be focusing on other people.
And when we are ultimately focused on other people it can only ever be from a place of love and natural
concern.
Love.
I'm not talking about passionate love here or intimate love or sex or anything like this but it's possible
to love people.
Sometimes from a distance as possible to love a person whilst not liking them as possible to love a
person whilst having nothing to do with them right.
That's one of these interesting pillars of strong relationships.
No.
In order for a relationship to grow in strength.
All right.
A pair of must be experiencing love through unconditional acceptance unconditional positive regard.
I with me as soon as a person experiences an ounce of judgment or assumption or opinion or anything
like this.
And if a person has been on the receiving end of anything like that in the past.
Well there already have gone to determine what love means for them and if love doesn't mean or love.
If love certainly isn't assumption or judgment or anything like this and if a person gets a sniff of
this then that's the trust gone right from the very very start.
So we want to look at the pillar of honor.
Honor is about honoring where people are right.
All right.
So say for example.
Walk in with her with an X forces guy mentoring or coach and something like this who is still in awe
and seriously dabbling in drink and drugs and alcoholism all that sort of thing.
I think I mentioned earlier on that I definitely wouldn't commit to help in coaching a relationship
with someone who's drinking and taking drugs all the time and I certainly wouldn't waste my time given
more time to someone who's under the influence.
But if I can see that someone's taken the practical steps towards overcoming you know a partner of unhelpful
but unhelpful behaviors then I will honor this.
I will honor people for the level of commitment that they're making towards growing and developing themselves
so honoring people is more about.
Again it's unconditionally accepting them and accepting them as a as an individual.
It's not necessarily buying into or subscribing to or being okay with their habits their attitudes their
actions or their other behaviors if that makes sense.
Self-control.
Sometimes people are going to rob us up in the wrong way.
Sometimes people are going to react and respond to us in ways that are completely dishonoring or are
completely judgmental or assumptions.
And the question is how able are we.
How willing are we to control ourselves.
So when a person says or does something to us that we don't fundamentally like or that we perhaps might
even be absolutely livid with insight.
Are we going to react have that emotional reaction which is just going to completely sever and destroy
the trust and and the bring in debate or heated argument or fight interrelationship.
Or are we going to remain calm under pressure and respond and honoring way said right this person right
now has just said or done some completely dishonoring things to me they're operating out of a place
of assumption and ignorance.
You just simply don't know any better.
All right I'm going to control myself here.
I'm not going to respond to what they're saying you know what they're doing.
Even though I don't like it why.
For the purpose of maintaining the connection in the relationship because the second that I react to
a person and respond or react a person's actions behaviors attitude especially if it's belittling or
undermining of me that I'm actually just making myself as bad as them.
So I do want to do that so I can preserve the connection ultimately maintain the trust responsibility.
This kind of ties in with the idea of boundaries.
All right.
I am responsible for me and you are responsible for you.
All right.
So you can come to me acting completely out of control your emotions flying about all over the place.
You've seen in some doing some things come from a place of reaction.
Just because you're reacting doesn't mean that I have to.
Right.
I can respond to your reaction.
I don't have to react to your reaction.
All right.
And again this is ultimately what is going to show our person that we're working with that we can be
trusted.
All right.
Now I'm not saying this is an easy place to get to.
But when we can start getting pretty good at being responsible for ourselves all the time we can demonstrate
consistency and consistency is what many people buy into and grew to respect admire and trust where
they can see and do what they want to see and do to us.
Boundaries will literally state you know if you continue to speak to me in this way or or act in this
way when in my company.
Then the relationships going to have to be it's going to have to stop.
We gotta to get some barriers in place right.
So I'm not willing to tolerate this level of attitude or action or behavior but I still unconditionally
accept you.
I'm fine with you but if you continue to act and behave in this way in my company and we're going to
have to create some space in the relationship so we'll give other people the choice as to whether they
actually want to also fight for the connection or whether the dawn's right.
He can show what I'm cooking here.
Some big ideas responsibility being the center pillar of a healthy relationship.
Think about what a healthy relationship would actually look like.
We're unfairly responsible for me.
I've taken full responsibility for me.
You've taken full responsibility for you.
That means that when we get together I'm not going to need anything from you.
You're not going to need anything for me.
Which leaves us free to simply enjoy each other's company and enjoy the relationship or plan some goals.
The work in a project overcomes some challenges put the world to right or whatever.
I think many help in relationships when say help and I'll use that word very very loosely.
Many forms of therapy many alternative therapists.
The relationship is very very different.
You know you can have some problems in your life.
You come to me all right and I'll take responsibility for you.
This just brings and pretty much gives birth to a culture of dependency inside of the relationship dependency.
If you are dependent on me to sustain you.
Well that's not me promote responsibility and if I really am in this place where I'm taking responsibility
for for you are trying to take responsibility for you then it's questionable as to how much responsibility
I've actually taken for myself.
Are you with me.
These ideas may not be for everyone but some pretty big ideas.
All right.
But I might be for you and I do hope that they are truth.
All right.
How to build a trust based relationship by telling the truth.
All right.
Have you ever heard the saying that the truth will set you free but only first Arthur has given it a
good kick up the arse.
All right.
There's been times in the years times over the years where I have been met with some rather odd adverse
reactions and responses from people people have blown up have screamed and shouted they've taken massive
offense.
I mean Kane Ramsey.
How could you say that.
You're supposed to be a coach.
You're supposed to be a helper you're supposed to be who I think you're supposed to be and you've just
said this thing to me.
Well I've just told the truth.
All right.
And it's not that people are taking offense to me.
People are just taking offense to the truth that I'm telling.
All right.
Give you a little example of that.
Remember the demonstration.
I think it was in section two of the course where Karen was talking about her little competence and
she was tying that in with her ability to speak publicly in a group and I just asked the question I
saw is a really low confidence or is it apathy.
No no what I wasn't saying was you that is not low confidence.
It is apathy.
All right.
Remember it's not so much what we say sometimes it's how we say what we say.
So if we can frame our truth based observations in a way that we're simply inviting our clients to accept
or reject that which is true we're going to be able to gauge how responsible I am and how much responsibility
that actually willing to take for themselves whether they are open receptive right.
See how evidence.
SIMON Right no.
So Patterson's relationship with truth and how willing they are to accept that which is true about why
their relationships are the way that they are.
Why is your finances the way that your finances are.
What's the honest reason why.
What's the actual truth.
Right.
Remember that exercise will start earlier on.
What's the real reason for as long as a person is pointing fingers is that person's fault.
Why I feel why I do that person is responsible for my emotions.
The reason why I haven't accomplished my goals in life is because those guys never give me an opportunity.
It's everyone else's fault.
It's society's as my teachers as moms and dads is God's everyone else's fault.
Why my life isn't working out the way that it is.
But the truth of the matter is when we start point our fingers in or excel in their actions and start
keeping this finger pointed rigidly within the right we start looking at ourselves not from a place
of where wallowing in self-pity but rather what is the honest what's the honest truth for part of my
playing in my own process here.
What part of my plan in getting these outcomes that I'm getting in my life or Lakoff if there's a certain
golden a half.
Why do I have this goal.
Why have I not yet accomplish this goal.
What part or lack of role are playing in this process right.
It's only when people accept that which is true that they become automatically empowered to change.
Responsibility is generally tied in with truth.
Our willingness to take responsibility for that which is true about us faith it's an interesting idea.
This as a as a a new aspiring life coach might even be the case you've been practicing for years.
You've got to be a person of faith.
All right if you fundamentally love people and the only reason you're going to be committed to you know
helping people in life is because you have actual love for people.
You understand that the basis of every healthy relationship must be unconditional acceptance.
But the only thing that's going to keep you keep you going is faith right.
Remember that story is shared right back at the start of course with Cress right.
And it's been about a year and a half and I had given them all my best stuff.
I'd taken through all the processes all the techniques I'd even given the guy money and fed him and
given him Berg's had bottom clothes everything nothing was changing.
I didn't understand these ideas back then I didn't understand that in order for Chris to change he'd
have to take responsibility for himself.
The truth of the matter was back then that he wasn't yet ready to take responsibility for himself.
The truth also was back then was that I was trying to take responsibility for Chris therefore leaving
him.
It was unnecessary to take responsibility because I was giving him money you know feeding him giving
him all sorts of stuff.
I had pretty much invited Chris to become dependent on me.
All right.
Why would a person do this.
Well I guess we're only ever going to need other people to be dependent on us to fuel our own insecurity.
You might want to write that one down just reflect upon that one at some point in the future.
Here's the thing we're only going to commit to the process of continuing to do our best to help and
serve people.
If we are in faith we can see something perhaps more for them than what they can even see for themselves.
And it's not like this faith is even going to be a faith just for us.
Faith sometimes can roll over into other people sometimes our faith will be just enough to get people
to take that first step.
Sometimes our faith will be enough to get a person the whole entire journey.
If a person has no hope for a bigger brighter future all they can see is doom and gloom if a person
has already seriously subscribed to the idea that what I've experienced in the past is just pretty much
a reflection of what I can expect more of in the future than I'm never going to take that first step
towards any of the goals that they go on to say that I'm gonna get a framework for the next section
of the course.
Sometimes we need to give our clients that little bit of faith so they can take that first step and
how do we do this by sharing with them vision vision for who it is that they can go on to become we
do this through the core identity coaching model.
We do this through questioning people helping people to take ownership of what's true about the values
the priorities that they are putting fast in their lives.
So why are you choosing this when you claim to want that.
Why are you choosing this when you claim to you claim to want more of this.
What is the real part that people were playing in determining the outcomes that they currently have.
When we know help our clients to establish a more meaningful vision for their future then this becomes
the basis upon which they move the growing confidence in us because we have unconditionally accepted
them through the process.
Does it really matter how they've acted and behaved of what I'm not saying here is that we tolerate
any form of abuse or anything like this.
And if a client is just turning up we can we cope and not move in the budget not doing anything.
Well there's only so much time we want to.
We want to give that right.
But as long as we can see that a client is open and receptive unappreciative then of course we want
to continue to invest into the relationship because they are ready to grow.
It's just that sometimes people will not grow at the rate that we want them to.
Sometimes we need to be a bit a little bit patient.
This is something that I must remind myself of every now and again also.
So these are the seven seven pillars of healthy relationships.
The foundation's been unconditional acceptance that must remain in place throughout.
This is the thing about unconditional acceptance it doesn't.
Unconditional acceptance is not tolerance.
All right.
So if if a client is turning up late or there are messing us about are not doing anything.
And it's not about we must keep this stuff in place.
All right.
We've got to operate out of the boundaries that we set ourselves.
If another human being a loved one a family member a so-called friend is treating us in a dishonorable
way if another person isn't being the kind of person for us that we want to be for them is then down
to us to choose whether we remain committed to the relationship or not.
If a person is quick to assume the worst of us is that really the kind of people that we want to invest
our time and energies and efforts into.
Well again it's up for you to determine.
All right.
Are you here to make a difference are you here to make money or are you here to make a name for yourself.
All right.
If you're overriding main goal which is to make money just work with everyone doesn't make any difference
but if your goal is to really make a difference then you really want to be looking for those people
who are open receptive appreciative.
All right then invest all of this into that relationship with me.
Interesting ideas.
These are principles these are pillars that you can build not just into your professional relationships
but also into your personal ones.
Remember we cannot coach anyone effectively in life through a stage of life that we ourselves have not
already moved beyond if we don't have any strong robust relationships in our own lives.
How could we ever guide or coach other people through developing them in their own lives.
Questions that we've got to ask our selves.
Hope you find this idea interesting.
We'll see you again in the next clip.